Being reassured

Many times this past week, I feel the need to be reassured things are heading in the right direction. Today started out rough, got better, than rough again. I feel drained from this past week. I didn't feel it until today. Being away from home was hard to keep a schedule, get the school work done, meet all demands and try to stay healthy. Then they got sick. Lack of sleep, lack of order, no homework accomplished and a disaster waiting for no one else but me. Where do I find the energy and strength to pick up the pieces and continue? Some days I wonder.
Just when I thought we were on the right track with healthy, Six tosses the biggest fit this am. It started out at 6am with complaints that his cheek hurt. His cheek? Ok, have a Popsicle. With that to calm him down, I thought we were good to go. Four had been in my bed during the night. She was cold. The fire alarm started beeping sometime in the wee morning hours, lovely, new battery needed. After everyone was awake, Six has his big fit. He complains of extreme ear pain. So, its quite possible there was nothing wrong with his cheek this morning. He refuses medicine. Its a bit fight. I can't help him if he isn't willing to help himself. I try to get him to lay on a hot pad. I offer gum to chew to get the facial bones and tubes moving. Nothing pleases him and he just screams. Finally, after warming in the tub, he cooperates. I feed him a jelly sandwich, while he is in the tub. He agrees to take some motrin, a 1/2 pill at a time. He agrees to an Alavert to fix his nose. It doesn't work as well as Zyrtec, but goes down easier. Eventually, he falls asleep on his floor in his bathrobe. Probably for the best. Meanwhile, I need to get the other two plus myself ready for church. I leave Six until last.
He wakes up on his own, with a much better outlook on life. He gets dressed and away we go to church. I remembered our envelopes, treats and paint for Zinnia, but forgot my survey that was supposed to be turned in today.
Church is great. Happy people, happy children. Cookies, bars and donuts after and we are all pleased. All is well until we have to get in the car. People don't listen. I pull my muscles trying to buckle people. I hate our car. Yup. Hate is a strong word that I do not like to use. I hate our car. It's too hard with bigger kids, coats and winter gear. They can't buckle themselves. The seats are too close together. Seven can if he is the only one in the back seat. That means he needs to get in right away and buckle. Well, doesn't always happen when he's goofing off with his brother.
It doesn't go well. I am left feeling overwhelmed and sore. We drive home and I put them to work. The coat closet is once again, a disaster. It is filled with their things. They don't get the items on their shelf, it becomes a disaster. With Seven and Four on the closet job, I have Six pick up random things that are on the floor.
I am so tired of the laundry. We are out of soap. I forgot soap when we were at the store. I wanted to buy a paper today, but just did not have it in me to take all three kids into a store.
We have many pages of homework to do. They sit down and Seven gets to work on his own right away. Six is a whole different story. I lose patience. I can't sit and wait for him anymore. He has 4 sheets left and he will have to do them with his father later. I have done all the homework for the week. I am spent.
With having treats at church, they weren't hungry right away. I wait until after noon to feed them. Even then, I just pull out leftovers. I have no ideas for tonight's meal. I am irritated with certain people too. I don't want to speak bad about it, but just know it is a frustrating and unfair situation. Leads me to a whole other set of issues.
I thought I'd finally come to terms with staying here. The house buying talk left me wondering if I could really commit. Then a situation like this weekend comes up and I have doubts. Just doesn't seem fair. I wanted to be with my family this weekend, but could not.
If we buy a house, we won't buy a van. That means I am stuck with the car I hate even longer. I've wanted to replace that car for over 4 years now. I've tried to be so patient. I didn't mind when they were little. In the end, I was rather thankful. I could reach everyone if I needed to. They were small and all had seats with five point harnesses. Their buckles were easy to find. It seemed ideal. It's when they grew up that it got frustrating. The idea of not wanting to put an infant seat in the back anymore, my disgust with that was reminded when Sweet Pea was here. I hated trying to fit the infant carrier in the middle of the back seat. Once again, my back suffers. Then what does that lead to? Pills, rest time and possibly the chiropractor. Not a great plan.
My emotions then take me to doubts if I can do this with four kids. Just when I thought I had it figured out with three, I'm going to be tossed back to one the demands all needs met at that exact moment, not being able to do any of it herself. I admit, I've really, really enjoyed having big kids. It is very helpful that when they are thirsty, they can get themselves a drink of water. They know how to clean up, don't always want to, but have the ability. Same with getting dressed, putting on shoes, bringing their own backpacks, etc. Am I ready to start over? Not only do we not have anything ready for this baby, I am not sure I am ready. Too late now, it's on the way. I know we will love her and be so happy to have her in our family. I can't help that these ideas of doubt sneak in every once in awhile. My only answer is to pray for guidance and patience. I've tried to be patient with not getting things ready yet. I am so frustrated with this house. I wish to get a dumpster and just toss it all out the window. It seems like there's just too much junk everywhere. From their bedrooms to the kitchen and then don't even ask about the basement or garage. Where did we get it all? Why do we still have it? Why do we hold on to it?
See, how many ideas and thoughts come from one frustrating morning. I think I need a vacation or at least the afternoon off.