Reformation

After my last post, I was told I needed to "chill out." I upset some people with that post. For that, I apologize. Life is hard. I am still trying to figure this all out.
Why to I get so upset so easily? I have sort of lost track in handing it over to God and keep my faith in whatever the situation is. It is so easy to give in to the frustration. I am reading the book "The Shack" and still am not sure what to think of it. Makes you analyze the things you have learned in the church. What would it really be like to meet Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit? I hadn't put that much thought directly into it until I started reading this book. I am about half way through. So far, the beginning was good, but I am a little lost for interest in the middle. He spends time with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. It seems a little repetitive and just filler. We will see where it takes me.
To deal with all this frustration, I am trying to get more organized with many areas in my life. Today it is the house, which is a never ending task. I rearranged the entire living room. Almost everything is in a different place. Went through the kids books, created new areas for them. I started on Saturday and Zinnia came to help me on Sunday after mass. She was most irritated by my blog.
It's hard to feel settled with life when there are so many questions, things up in the air. Will we stay here? When will we leave? Nothing is permanent. I don't think I will feel settled until I know N has a job he likes and we own the house we live in. I feel like we are stuck in limbo, not sure which way to go. How do I get past that and be content where I am right now?
Reformation. Is that the right word? Do I need to change the way I look at everything? Try not to let the evil of frustration take over so easily and give it over to the Lord. Just go with things as they come. I am such a planner, it is hard to not have it all straightened out ahead of time. For some reason, Thanksgiving is on my mind all the time. It seems I have a fear of spending the holiday alone as we did last year. It was so very depressing. Just not sure which direction to turn. Maybe I just need to put it out of my mind and not worry. Sometimes I feel this frustration occurs after I have had a migraine. That experience can be so hard on the entire house. I try my best to power through it, take my meds on time and keep moving. I don't want the pain to take over and crawl under a rock. Many times that is how I feel, but can't for my family. These kids need my. All I want is to give them a great foundation and wonderful memories. I need to embrace motherhood more. Worry less about the schedule and mess. We have three great kids. I am proud of each one of them. They are getting easier to handle as they grow. I know different challenges are around the corner. I have to keep the faith that things will work out the way the are supposed to for all of us. I had more faith before we moved here. I don't know why, but some of it has been lost along the way. This journey in Michigan has been rough. Minnesota was rough too. We experienced many difficult times there, but I didn't lose faith. I had my family right there to help me through. Friends, new and old were there to be with me. It was reassuring and comforting. Knowing my sister was just a short drive away gave me great comfort. Being able to put the kids in the car and head north to my parents house put me at ease. I didn't feel pressure to fit so much in to a short visit. We had all the time in the world to take trips up north. I don't feel I wasn't able to take advantage of that time. We made many trips and saw each other throughout the year. It was just as I pictured it would be. I may have overlooked N and his job. I assumed he would be a success. He is smart and good at everything he does. We worked well together parenting. I never had a doubt about us, being parents, and our life together. I had total faith in us. The last year has left me questioning so many parts of my life. Not that I would ever leave or want to, it's just that something has changed. I feel unsure of so much. Once again, limbo.
So, today I will try my best to change the frustrating parts in my life. I want to pray more and be thankful. Embrace my children and each day I have with them. I want to be happier and satisfied. In order to accomplish these things, I need to change our daily routine. Maybe by starting out the morning with a daily prayer and being sure to get my work out in. I have caved the last two weeks with the work out schedule. I was on a role, but the migraine won, defeating my motivation to work out.
Maybe this is too raw to publish on a blog, but if I don't, I just keep it all inside. The frustration builds and chaos begins. Publishing a blog like this gets my feelings out to those who I don't talk to every day. Gives them a window into our life. Maybe it is a good thing, maybe not. I have so many people I miss terribly and wish I could talk to on a regular basis. I wish I knew more about who was actually paying attention to this and reading it. Perhaps, if you are reading this, you could leave a comment of some sort. Just that you were here. Leave your mark for me to know you understand or follow.
I read the book "Eat, Pray, Love" recently. In one of the sections, she discusses Catholics and Lutherans. I can't find the exact quotes, but basically she discusses the Italian Catholics as being unable to make plans. Who knows if we will be here tomorrow or next week to commit to these plans, its all in Gods hands. She states that if you ask a Lutheran to be at a location on a certain day, they will be there. Signed up and committed. Maybe this was a bad comparison without the exact words from the book. It left me wishing I could be more like the Italians in the story. Less internal stress and free. I still want to commit to things and follow through, but maybe have it not be so much of my focus. Take the days one at a time and see where they lead me. Like today, I didn't have a plan. So far, I have half the house clean and my thoughts poured out on the Internet. We will see where that takes me.
I would like to enjoy more time with the kids and worry less about other things. That is my goal. We will see how the changes go. I better return to my tasks so I can be sure to get the work out in before Three changes her mind on what she is doing. Thanks for listening, but please let me know that you are!