Three had an Easter celebration at preschool. I was very excited to participate. We really enjoyed ourselves last year. The change of it being in the evening was ok, but my disappointment was with the children and lack of good pictures I received. I just wanted a nice picture of the three, smiling. Too much to ask I guess. Didn't happen. They were too silly. As frustrated as I was, I held out for Easter morning. Surely I would get some good pictures then. Well, that failed too. They opened all their baskets without us that morning. They fought about getting dressed and out the door to church. Mass was long, hot and the incense was getting to Five. We left before communion. I was so disappointed and nearly in tears on our way out. I admit, part of it was my fault. The boys should maybe have worn short sleeves, then they might not have been as warm. I should have explained that things might be longer than normal. And, the biggest part, as soon as we sat down, I knew I would be disappointed. I tried to put on my best face, but I fooled no one. I couldn't even look the people ahead of us in the eye during the sign of peace. It was just too disappointing. So many happy families, together. There we sat, alone. Holidays are all about spending time with your family. I have many, many wonderful memories of traveling to grandparents or cousins houses to celebrate the holiday. Graduations, baptism, confirmation, so many great events that bring families together. Yet, here we are, hundreds of miles away, missing out on all of them. Two of my cousins will graduate high school this spring. They were such a big part of my adolescence. I loved going out to spend weeks during the summer months with them. I was at their house the first year of their little lives. I rocked them over and over. My entire Barney education is from time invested with them. They were sweet, adorable boys. Here they are, all grown up. I really wish I could be there when they get their diploma. Both were there for me. They pulled the white runner back at my wedding, preparing my path. I cherish the memories I have of days with my cousins. Best memory yet was when I returned from Germany. They all came to the GF airport with signs to welcome me home. They were all so little, yet had grown so much in the 9 months I was gone. Little Justin came up to me and said "this is my mom and this is my dad." So sweet, he didn't really remember me, but this was important. I was important and I needed to know his mom and dad. Of course his mom is my aunt, who rocked me when I was a baby. Many great years spent with wonderful people. So many camping trips to various parks throughout MN, ND, and SD. I want so much for my kids to know what that is like. We go camping, but the family factor is not there. We are yet alone in MI. Frustrating.
Sorry to play the same old tune, but it has been another holiday. Just seems to keep repeating itself. When will it change? Time will tell. I think the holidays have become worse the older my children are. I do not remember such strong feelings when it was just N and I. We celebrated many holidays together in TX and OK, alone. Perhaps it was the newlywed thing. So much ahead of us, so much to look forward to. I am eager to make my own memories with my kids. We can have our own traditions. I will make the best of it for their sake. Is it selfish to feel this way around every holiday? I really do not want to resent living in MI anymore. I love our little town. The community is nice. I love the church. It would be great to buy a house and start to have things back the way they once were. I just can't bring myself to commit. With a house in TX, I am determined it must be sold before we commit to anything of the sort. So, until that day, I feel stuck in limbo. The daily routine of children, work etc. keeps me busy and the feelings aren't as frequent as in the past. Each time my kids bring up my parents or a comment about something they did, I get a feeling that brings back the same emotion, again and again. A longing to be close to my family. The ability to share my children and their childhood with family. For them to know what its like to be at a family reunion with cousins they know and want to play with. I can teach them how to catch a fish with a butterfly net and licorice, but does it mean the same as it did making that discovery with my cousins? If only one summer they could experience a Russell Reunion. We've managed to get in on some things I did as a child, parades etc. Those are my memories and will never be theirs. I can't recreate my childhood for them to experience.
In the end, I feel selfish for all of this. I should be thinking of all the good, all the blessings in my life. I am thankful for many things. I love that my kids have seen so much of our country at a young age. Although Seven is the only one to remember most of it, the others really enjoy listening to stories of TX and OK.
Breaks my heart every time I say goodbye to my grandmothers. I can't help but think when I leave them, will that be it? Will I see them again? The Lord only knows.
So, for now, I will pray and be thankful. I will focus on my family and try to follow His path. He will send us in the right direction. Just because being in MI wasn't in my plan, or my idea, there has to be some reason why we are here. I guess I am still trying to figure that out.
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